The Baby Birthing Adventure
by simplyunwordable
Summary: All human. Epidurals, mood swings, and the joys of childbirth. Bella and Edward have quite an interesting experience at the hospital. Rated T for launguage.


I sighed, sitting contentedly on Edwards lap; I looked up into his deep emerald green eyes, and leaned forward to kiss him. It just so happened that there was a small, or rather large, bump in our way. Edward chuckled and stroked his hand along my hugely pregnant belly. The little girl was due any day now. Edward somehow managed to kiss me, after that, I proceeded to get up.

"Where do you think you're going," Edward said playfully, and I couldn't help but giggle.

"To go to the bathroom. Some of us have seven pound babies using our bladders for a pillow."

"Well, I'm sorry, but I felt the production of such a baby was rather worth it." I smiled; it was most definitely worth it.

"Of course, but I have to be the one to deal with the consequences, or at least the painful ones," I replied. I walked into the bathroom, and just as I sat down on the uh….facility, I felt something that was definitely _not _what I was expecting. My. Water. Just. Broke.

"EDWARD! My water just broke!" I was panicked, worried, excited, anxious, and overjoyed all at once. Before I knew it, my personal knight in shining armor walked in the door, and grabbed my hand to pull me off the john. I hiked up my pants as quickly as possible, considering my waddle status. Edward balanced me out and I was down to the car before I knew it. Right as I was going to sit down, I felt the worst pain in the world. HOLY. HELL. . HURT.

I grasped Edward's hand, and squeezed so hard I'm sure the blood left it. Edward looked worried, but the contraction soon passed, and I nodded to tell him I was okay. We drove along, as fast as possible, to the hospital, Edward shooting worried glances my way. When I got into the hospital I was expecting another contraction any second.

Then it hit, the worst contraction yet. I was standing at the check in counter, grasping Edward's hand, and this time, I had to scream, "EDWARD I SWEAR I'M GOING TO KILL YOUR FATHERLY ASS FOR PUTTING THIS THING INSIDE OF ME! GET THE LITTLE SPAWN OUT OF MY BODY _NOW!" _

The receptionist looked at me and tried to calm me down, she handed me the registration papers, and I laughed as well as possible. I threw the papers over my shoulder and the lady said, "Miss, we need those forms to give you a room."

"LISTEN LADY! I HAVE ANOTHER PERSON IN ME! AND IT'S ARE ABOUT TO GO THROUGH A _VERY, VERY, VERY_ SMALL HOLE. HAVE YOU EVER HAD A CHILD?" The lady nodded her head no, and I started to scream again, "THEN I SUGGEST YOU FIND ME A ROOM AND STOP TRYING TO GET ME TO FILL OUT USELESS SHIT! THIS PAIN IS NOTHING COMPARED TO THE CRAPPY- ASS BOTOX JOB YOU HAD! JUST GIVE ME A DAMN ROOM!"

After that, the lady jut nodded my head, and I turned to look at Edward, who was trying not to laugh. Oh so he thought this was funny? He though that, because of his horniness, I was about to experience the most painful thing in the world? Well, he wasn't going to be laughing after this, "EDWARD FUCKING CULLEN STOP LAUGHING! I SWEAR I WILL BEAT YOUR ASS SO HARD IT WILL KNOCK YOU INTO NEXT WEEK! YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW BAD THIS HURTS! NOW GET ME INTO A WHEEL CHAIR!" I then proceeded to go up to a little boy who was playing in a wheel chair and grabbed it from him, when he looked at me, I could tell he was going to make a rude comment. I was going to beat him to it, "LISTEN LITTLE BOY, YOU HAVE NOT, AND WILL NOT EVER, HAVE TO KNOW HOW PAINFUL CHILDBIRTH IS! THANK YOUR LUCKY- ASS STARS!"

After that, Edward helped me into the chair, and wheeled me off behind the awe- struck nurse. She led us to a room, handed me a nightgown, and mumbled some useless doctor crap to Edward. I took the gown into the bathroom and began to change, but became frustrated, and yelled at Edward to help. He did so and I was in the bed before the next contraction hit me. Just as it was ending, Alice bounced into the room. I laid my head back and tried to relax, then the doctor came in. he told me some things, but I wasn't really listening, I was just thinking the same thing over and over in my head. _Edward is going to wish he was never born when I'm done with him. _

After another hour of very slow and painful contraction-ness, the doctor said I could have an epidural if I wanted one. Edward asked if I needed one, and I quickly nodded my head. _Anything to get rid of this pain….ANYTHING! _I was so happy when the nurse came in to give me the drugs; I breathed a sigh of relief.

Suddenly I felt calm and relaxed and, had I not been in a hospital birthing room, I would have forgotten about the painful little package trying to come out of me. I giggled, and recited, "One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish," Edward looked at me like I was crazy, and I pointed, "Alice! Your brother looked at me like I was crazzzzzyyy- poo! That's okay! I still love him! Hey Eddie- Weddie! They should have a green fish, cause that's the color of your eyesies! Omigosh guys! I'm having a baby! Like Mary in the Bible! I hope mine can walk on water too! No wait! Only Jesus can do that huh? Maybe mine will be the next William Hung, and go on American Idol! I totally remember making this baby! Me and little Eddie-puss over there went clubbing, and…." But Edward covered up my mouth, trying to get me to stop talking. Why would my sweet, caring, fantabulous husband do that?

"Bella, I think you should relax, don't wear yourself out." Edward tried to reason with me, but I was trying to explain something to Alice-kinns.

"No Edward, I am interested in what Bella has to say, "Alice interjected. See! She wants to hear! Just then I got a funny feeling in my lower tummy. Like something was moving down there. I looked up at Edward and made my mouth into a perfect "O".

"Hey Edward! I think the little thingy that's inside my tummy wants to come out. You know what that means don't you? It's getting closer to my va…." Once again Edward covered my mouth, what? Did his mommy not have this talk with him? OH NO! HE MUST UNDERSTAND. I calmly nodded and looked at him as seriously as I could, Edward breathed a sigh of relief, and let go.

"Now Edward, the first thing you must know, is that before you have sexual intercourse with a woman, you should marry her." Edward put his face in his hands, and Alice burst out laughing. That's when I first noticed Emmett standing in the corner, videotaping me. I shrugged, and decided to have fun with it. I waved at the camera and said, "Hey people! have you ever had an eppie- Darrel? Do you think Darrel invented it? It makes you feel ahh-mazing!"

Just then the doctor came in, and he went to lift up my gown. Well I couldn't have that, "No! Edward's the only one allowed down there!" The doctor laughed and checked me anyways, after assuring me it was for the baby. Finally, he told me to push, and I did so. The epidural couldn't block this pain; I began to scream again, "GET IT OUT! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE THE FUCKING DOCTOR! GET THIS THING OUT OF ME!" Suddenly I heard the sharp cry of our baby, and the pain was released somewhat. I sighed as Edward cut the umbilical cord and handed me my baby girl.


End file.
